I spent decades hating myself and my life.
Who wouldn't?
I spent my youth fat and ugly. I was quiet and shy, trying to make myself invisible so that no one would make fun of me. I didn't have friends and boyfriends like all the other girls. When I finally did lose weight and started dating I believed I had to accept whatever I could get.
I had relationships where I was abused mentally, emotionally, and then endured physical violence.
I know what it's like to smile on the outside and yet hate my life on the inside, barely getting by.
I blamed the men in my life, life itself, and even God.
But mostly I blamed myself for not being good enough.
I collected a storehouse of self-help books and tried everything I could to fix myself, but there was always something else to fix, and even those fixes didn't last too long.
One spiritual teacher and writer I really liked was Louise L. Hay. In the midst of speaking about how to deal with life she said that the answer to all our problems was loving ourselves.
I love Ms. Hay and have learned a lot from her, but when I heard that I thought that couldn't possibly be right. It had to be the men in my life or lack of discipline or that God was punishing me for something or another.
I thought about the examples she gave and tried applying them to my problems and I even thought she just might be right. Maybe loving myself was the answer.
But every time I tried loving myself I just couldn't do it.
The lessons I had learned about the fact that it was wrong to love yourself were much too ingrained.
Would I ever be able to release myself from the prison of self hate?
To be continued...
Carol B.
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