Love Thyself, Part 2

I spent decades hating myself and my life.
Who wouldn't?
I spent my youth fat and ugly.  I was quiet and shy, trying to make myself invisible so that no one would make fun of me.  I didn't have friends and boyfriends like all the other girls.  When I finally did lose weight and started dating I believed I had to accept whatever I could get.
I had relationships where I was abused mentally, emotionally, and then endured physical violence.
I know what it's like to smile on the outside and yet hate my life on the inside, barely getting by.
I blamed the men in my life, life itself, and even God.
But mostly I blamed myself for not being good enough.
I collected a storehouse of self-help books and tried everything I could to fix myself, but there was always something else to fix, and even those fixes didn't last too long.
One spiritual teacher and writer I really liked was Louise L. Hay.  In the midst of speaking about how to deal with life she said that the answer to all our problems was loving ourselves.
I love Ms. Hay and have learned a lot from her, but when I heard that I thought that couldn't possibly be right.  It had to be the men in my life or lack of discipline or that God was punishing me for something or another.
I thought about the examples she gave and tried applying them to my problems and I even thought she just might be right.  Maybe loving myself was the answer.
But every time I tried loving myself I just couldn't do it.
The lessons I had learned about the fact that it was wrong to love yourself were much too ingrained.
Would I ever be able to release myself from the prison of self hate?
To be continued...
Carol B.

Love Thyself, Part 1

Love thy neighbor.
Most people know that verse, even if they never read the Bible it came from.
For people who are trying to live a "good" life, this verse can cause a lot of problems.
Love my neighbor? How can you expect me to love my neighbor, co-worker, ex, when they're a scumbag?
It's hard to "love" people we're not crazy about.  I've often felt that was asking way too much.  I've beat myself up trying to do that, and ended up angrier than before.
However, "Love thy neighbor" is only the first part of the sentence.
The entire sentence reads "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
That implies that however much we love ourselves is how much we're supposed to love our neighbors.
Which causes another dilemma.
It implies we are to love ourselves.
Now, if you have spent your life loving and taking good care of yourself, I envy you.
I, myself, only knew what it was like to spend my life not loving myself.
I don't blame anyone who passed that idea down to me.  I know it came from good intentions.
I was always taught that you were supposed to put other people first and do for them and everyone else and put yourself last and that would make you a good, thoughtful person.  It would even make you holy.  After all, martyrs let other people torture and kill them for the sake of putting other people and ideals first and they were considered good and holy.
With that idea in mind, I was even taught by a well meaning person teaching after school religious classes that, in order to be a really good person I was supposed to hate myself.
Yes, actually hate myself.
Looking back, I believe I can see the point he was trying to make.
However, in my little eight year old mind, I thought I was really supposed to hate myself.
After all these years, and I am not even going to tell you how many, many years ago that was, I remember standing on the steps of the church, rolling around that idea in my head, and telling myself, "ok, so I am supposed to hate myself.  Let me try that."
And then I proceeded to tell myself over and over again, "I hate myself.  I hate myself."
It's funny how, even as a little eight year old girl that idea sounded so foreign in my head.  It actually made me cringe because it truly sounded so awful.
But I practiced.
And practiced.
Trying desperately to do what I was supposed to do to be a "good" person.
It is funny, and I mean sad, how, decades later, when I was trying to teach myself how to love myself, that saying "I hate myself" sounded so normal, and saying "I love myself" sounded so foreign.
To be continued....
 

What Brings You Joy?

I come from the land of drought.
No, I'm not talking about the fact that I live in Los Angeles  ;)
I'm talking about my background of foundational beliefs.
Call it family, religion, culture, whatever.
The fact is, I was raised to believe that there is never enough and you better hold on to what you've got.
With that came the belief that you should be stringent and not splurge.
Of course, it's not good to splurge without a sense of balance.
But when you are focused on save, save, save, not enough, not enough, not enough, you soon find yourself holding back in every area of life.
I used to love to listen to music and dance in my room and draw and paint just for the joy of it.
As I got older and became immersed in the disappointments of life, I started to hold back from enjoying all the things I loved.
Self punishment?
Who knows.
All I know is that, one by one, I started cutting out all the things in life that once gave me joy.
After many years I found myself living in a desert, dying of thirst, with nothing to nourish me to continue on for another day.
If you come from a crazy background like mine, you even believe that that kind of deprivation makes you a certain kind of holy and godly person, which is so not true because pretty soon it backfires and you feel so angry at life that you soon find yourself not anywhere near being any kind of holy and godly person.
I mean, how holy and godly can you be when you no longer see a reason for living?
And even if you still think that depriving yourself is the "holy" thing to do, what happens when someone else needs your help?
What do you have to give them when you have nothing to give?
In order to have joy in your life you must allow yourself to enjoy the things in life that give you joy.  And when you keep filling your life with joy, not only will life be so much better for you, but when someone else is hurting and finding it hard to find joy, you will have plenty of joy to give.
Which brings you even more overflowing joy and a grateful heart.
So what brings you joy?
Taking a walk?
Reading a novel from your favorite author?
Painting?
Listening to your favorite music?
Think about what brings you joy, and then do yourself and the world around you a favor.
Go out for that walk.
Open up that book.
Bring out those paintbrushes.
And turn up the music.
Indulge in what brings your life joy.
And your drought will soon give way to a rain of blessings.
Wishing you a Happy Heart,
Carol B.

Blessed Moments

Here is my daughter and I enjoying a lunch break at our new Chipotle's!
I love that place, so was I ever excited when a new Chipotle's opened up just a minute from my house!
But I was even more excited when my daughter called to invite me to lunch.
For the past year she has been involved in an extremely time consuming internship, as well as work and other activities. The day of our lunch was her first official "free" day, marking the end of her internship.  I am proud of her commitment to this internship, which, at times, was very difficult and stressful. However, I know the world will be blessed by all the wonderful things she has worked so hard to learn.
But now that her internship is over, our family will be so happy to see her more often and enjoy her beautiful, smiling face!
What a blessing to be with family, to treasure every moment, even the so called "small" moments.
How wonderful to have an Open Heart that allows you to see and appreciate these moments as the Jewels of Life that they truly are.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend!
In Gratefulness,
Carol B.

Live In Peace

I have to admit, I was stunned, as well as furious at the "not guilty" verdict for Casey Anthony.
I sat and watched in shock at the live coverage of the reading of the verdict.
After only a few hours of deliberation, the jury declared Casey Anthony "not guilty."
Were they out of their minds?
I almost could not contain my anger.
After a while I told myself that I could not continue to hold on to these feelings.
Even though I wished desperately that I could give each juror on that case a piece of my mind, the fact is it was done.  I was not and never was in control of the verdict or those jurors.
It was over.
I would have to let it go.
The best thing I could do was to try to get some meaningful lesson out of this.
Although I do have a few thoughts on the subject, for now I will say that, when I come to think about it, I have to realize that, although Caylee has been in the public's eye for over three years, in reality, she has long been gone from this earth for over three years.  She has actually been playing with the Angels and been in God's immediate care in Heaven for more years than she was ever here on this earth.
She is living in peace.
As for those of us here, if you have children, be grateful that you can still hug them, kiss them, and pray they have a happy and successful life.
If you have been hard on yourself, wondering if you were a "good enough" parent, you can take a moment to give yourself a pat on the back and know that yes, you were a lot better parent than you gave yourself credit for.
For little Caylee,
as well as the rest of us,
I wish us true Peace and Love.
Carol B.

Grateful

Despite our challenges, I am grateful to be an American.
I pray our leaders will break down the walls that separate,
and choose to work together so that all might be blessed.
Thank you to all that have worked so hard and given their lives
that we might be free.
Peace.
Carol B.

Open Up Your Vision

It is amazing how when you change your vision you change your world.
A family member of mine is going through a serious health challenge.
Although I am standing in Faith for healing, I felt myself carrying the burden in silence.
I have previously dealt with issues by holding them in my heart, not willing to share my burdens.
Did I feel I would be bothering people?
Did I feel that if I was strong enough I would not need to ask for help?
Did I believe that people wouldn't care?
Whether it was one or all of these reasons, I kept my issues to myself, while the burden grew silently within me.
Yesterday, the Spirit within me said, "Reach out and ask for prayer on Facebook."
At first I thought, no, I don't want to do that.  Although I am on Facebook, I had not been a regular on using this social media.  What if I wrote my request and no one responded? Besides, this was my problem.
The Spirit continued to nudge me.
"Do it now."
I said, "Maybe later."
"No, now."
I stopped what I was doing and thought about it.
I realized my vision of my world was awfully small, as if the only one who cared about my world was me.
Was I closing my eyes and not seeing the true Love and Blessing that people carry within their hearts?
Was I not giving credit to their Caring Spirits?
What if my world was actually bigger than I thought?
What if I opened my heart and my mind and allowed people to show me how beautiful they can be?
I sat down and posted my request for prayer, and sent it out into the world.
And people responded.
People that I have not seen in decades, but had "friended" on Facebook, immediately responded with an overflowing abundance of good wishes and prayers.
All because I changed my vision.
When I opened up my Vision, I opened up my world.
How grateful I am to these Beloved friends!
And how grateful I am that the Spirit of God was there for me, guiding me to open my eyes and my heart.
I pray that everyday we open our eyes a little more to see the Sacred Blessings in our world,
that wait, ever ready to Bless us,
and give us Peace.
Much Love,
Carol B.